Purposeful Wanderings - Bradford L. Glass - December 2024
“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.”
– Lewis Carroll
In the roughly 200,000 years humans have walked the Earth, we’ve colonized the globe, come to understand the workings of the universe (mostly), and made discoveries and advances that have served our lives well (mostly). Despite this amazing display of creative genius, however, we’ve still not learned how to get along with each other.
If you listen to what’s going on in our world, or even if you don’t, you know how divisiveness has come to define political discourse … and – unfortunately – has spilled over to include friends, family, coworkers and communities. It would be bad enough if divisiveness were just a by-product of some kind of ‘noble intention,’ but there’s plenty of evidence that, here, divisiveness is the intention. While it’s complete illusion to believe divisiveness could ever bring peace (some will always be “divided”), the fear-based mind that chooses it as a strategy sees it instead as a form of self-protection (if I diminish “un-like me,” I’ll feel safer with “like me”), so it’s incapable of conceiving a realistic endpoint. All it takes is a few ounces of fear in the audience … and agreement is only a step away. As you can infer from these words, if we could see that our minds created this illusion, we could change course in a second.
I don’t care which “side” of this fray you identify with, because “sides” do no more than proliferate the hatred. What I care about is how any of us who feel lost, separate, disenfranchised, judged … or even just weary from it all, can find inner calm in the midst of outer turmoil. Clue: it’s only by identifying with our own self-trust and inner resilience that we learn to inhabit, then step into, the turmoil of “the air we all breathe.” (Plus, change happens only from the inside out; nothing in the cosmos grows from the outside in.) New discovery begins by being able to recognize – with clarity, objectivity, non-judgment – exactly what’s going on … in the world … and in ourselves. This awareness doesn’t mean you agree, but that you see ‘what is’ as it is, with all its complexity, chaos, uncertainty and paradox (a fear-based mind can’t do this). From this awareness alone, you can begin to build that foundation of self-trust and resilience. It doesn’t matter if others won’t play; this is about your peace, and you own that.
One of our miraculous evolutionary adaptations is the power of consciousness to do this. Only lack of awareness keeps us trapped in unconsciousness, that part of our mind which sees the world as a scary place, leaving us in defense mode 24/7 … a place where divisiveness germinates and easily takes root. Odd, perhaps, but we’re the only species with power to change the course of our lives … and power to sabotage our lives … at the same time.
The Path: while we remain mostly spun up about what we see and think, we miss that the real issue here is how we see and think. And that is a product of all we’ve learned, now so indelibly (and unconsciously) embedded inside us … that we unknowingly believe it all as truth … and see it as who we are. It’s not; and we’re not. If you learned to be afraid, you’ll find fear everywhere, and your world is pretty small (because possibility lives outside the world you’ve chosen to live inside). If you learned anything is possible, you’ll find potential everywhere, and your world expands to fill the space you’ve inhabited (plus there’s plenty of room to share peacefully with others).
As a path ahead, you might practice focusing your awareness on the conversations you have. While today you may take responsibility for what you say, you might now also choose responsibility for 1) how your thinking influences what you say (by becoming more aware of your thinking), 2) how your listening influences what you hear (by becoming more aware of interpretations you make in your listening), 3) how their listening and thinking influence what they say (which means listening far more deeply to the interpretation of others).
With practice, awareness alone will help you 1) be more resilient, by learning to accept what is (not because you like it but because its true), 2) recognize the size of the world others have chosen (so you know if they’re allowing room for you inside it), 3) know when a conversation/relationship works … and when it’s time to step back … or out. (If you then still choose to engage with “impossible conversations,” you are choosing not-peace.) Note: a “conversation” here could be one you’re having with the TV (which is far easier to turn off than a person).
Exercise: Even though the topic of this article is potentially contentious, the article is intended to be an example of what can happen when you draw a frame around the topic that’s big enough so there’s room for all of us inside. Only there can we notice the thinking below the contention, and see that we’re all the same, just in different ways.
Consider the conversations you have each day. Do they go the way you intend, or do they often run astray? Do you always understand the other person? Are you always understood? How do you tend to feel when you’re done … satisfied? drained? I believe these questions matter, not just to make your conversations more effective, but to help you nurture the precious [and limited] energy you have available each day. If that energy gets drained on what doesn’t matter (like conflict or stress), there’s less to use on what does matter (like making a difference). A few places to look … as you replay in your mind the day’s events in your daily quiet self-reflection:
Practice: in your daily quiet time; replay conversations from the day. Include some that went well, some that didn’t, some you had with yourself. Notice – now – how the perspective and thinking you held – then – steered the conversation. Notice, at times when you may have been less aware, how the fear-based unconscious mind may have chosen to win, to be right, to blame, to judge, to defend … and at times when you were more aware, how your conscious mind may have chosen to learn, to share, to love, to help, to resolve. Which one is the real YOU?
Practice: as you replay the day, notice how you listened to others … to events … to yourself. Were you listening for something (your own interpretation, perhaps what you think “should be”), or were you objective and judgment-free (hearing what simply is so)? How did judgment impact what you heard and in turn what you said or did next? “Unconscious” thinking is about defending your comfort zone, fighting what should be rather than accepting what is. When you realize listening isn’t the same as agreeing, you release this judgment. As you separate unconscious beliefs from what’s being said, you listen to learn, not to judge.
Practice: after some “experience” from reflecting on your own intention and listening, turn your gaze to learn of the intention and listening of others. Use the ideas above to see how you can understand their thinking, a huge clue to how “effective” your conversations are likely to be … and a huge clue to what you might choose next.
Life Lessons from Nature: Pretend you’re approaching Earth from “somewhere else,” and that it’s all new for you. Just watch. What do you notice … about how nature works … how interactions work … how humans work … how their interactions work. Remember, it’s all new. No history, no background, no experience, no assumptions. What observations would you note in your journal about “life on Earth?” Hmmmm.
Book of the month: The Way of Ignorance, by Wendell Berry. Although 20 years old, Berry’s work echoes even more powerfully today than then. Life is far too complex for us to apprehend it all. What we need, he suggests, is a ‘way of being’ that allows for our ‘ignorance,’ thereby opening us to far better choices than we make today (believing as we do that we must have answers for issues too complex to even have one answer!) A series of short essays, each inquiring deeply and honestly into an aspect of human and societal malaise. Each is insightful, thought provoking, personal, and filled with potential for individual change. Collectively, they offer an antidote to the often destructive and ultimately unsustainable path on which we find ourselves, individually and as a society.
Openings to New Possibility -- at The Road Not Taken: See more on my website www.roadnottaken.com … ideas, articles, newsletters, my books for sale … as well as an invitation to personalized life coaching. If you’re ready to write a new chapter in your life story (or maybe even a new story), I’m here to help. Together we’ll chart a course into the territory of your greatest potential. An introductory conversation might just change your life.
And a request: I’m considering starting an online coaching group. I’d like to know if you (or someone specific you know) might be interested in joining. Details to be decided, but it would look something like this: A Zoom meeting … every other week for an hour and a half … probably evening east coast time (maybe 6:30 – 8:00) … with a theme of Living Authentically. Tuition in the $100/month range. Sessions would be relatively unstructured, participative, grounded in your personal experience. I’ll frame each conversation around one of the perceived obstacles you experience to living a life you love, and together we’ll explore paths to new possibility. I’d include follow-up notes from each meeting via email, along with personal practices to guide your becoming. Let me know what you think.